It’s common knowledge that sometimes just after your 40th birthday, while you are peacefully sleeping or just minding your own business, your arms shrink and you can no longer hold a book, newspaper, magazine or other printed matter from enough away from your face in order to read it. For some reason, instead of correcting our too short arms, the medical community insists it’s an age-related disorder called presbyopia, or “old eyes”. Presbyopia is treated by engaging in an absurd retail exercise of buying glasses off a rack at the pharmacy that are either a.) worn on a chain around our necks, b.) misplaced, requiring the purchase of approximately 50 other pairs of glasses to leave strategically around the house, or c.) wearing multiple pairs of glasses at the same time, with one pair on our faces and one on our heads. Wouldn’t longer arms be easier?
As you probably know by now, I like to get ahead of these things. If it’s inevitable, I will run out to meet it, wrestle it to the ground and take control. So yesterday, I went and had my eyes examined to make sure my arms had not shrunk in my sleep.
I already wear contacts and have been growing ever more near-sighted since I was 19, so eye exams are a semi-regular thing in my life already. I still get a little apprehensive about them, because like of that stupid eye puff test. Under normal circumstances I can sit and stare wide-eyed and unmoving for a good length of time, but once I put my face into the Eye Puffer of Death machine, I suddenly develop eye lid epilepsy and lose control of my ability to control my blinking. I try very hard not to spasmodically blink like I’m a tweaker just long enough to stare at the little house in the picture so the machine can get a readable result. I’ve had optometrists get a wee bit frustrated when they have to do the test three or four times to get results. It’s an issue.
But this go round, I managed to pass the eye test on the first try! It’s a miracle!
My prescription had changed just a wee bit, but nothing dramatic, and best of all, my arms haven’t shrunk any. I can still go about wearing my same contact lenses for another couple years. But when the time comes, and I do need reading/computer glasses, you can bet I’m going to get the funkiest pair Walgreens carries and rock that look.
No. 25 GET ANY EYE EXAM
DATE COMPLETED: August 21